Eileen’s Book of Jokes

Family Money

I feel horrid about what happened to your rug. But morality is for the poor and middle classes. Wild fucking is for us. 

A copious number of snorklers. Drinking comma driving. You are the sour son of a lost fortune. You wiggle when I tell you to.

Over the mountain, the sun slumps into the mass of impenetrable woods. What bad luck to be incarnate, and to have to spend some of that time in airplanes.

Back When We Were Men

We live in the north, where everyone is rude for the reason of the weather sucks. The town motto is “We are building something and it requires not being a diaper-ass.” Once, when I failed to volunteer, they tried to lop off my you-know-what.  Too bad if you are the dog of a philosopher. Better to be the dog of a cop.

About Me

I speak softly and carry a big dick.

I am a capable bean,

A good honest worker,

and mother to your disquiet animal.

I want you to understand I was a precocious child

and now I am a hot adult.

The beach undoes me.

I have no vehicle of my own.

Piety

I can never remember the one true deity’s proper name & several times I’ve avoided awkwardness by addressing him as “bucko” which makes me sound like the dad.

Bad Nature Experience

When I first moved to the woods, I found the clouds friendly and candid

and now I do not find them so friendly.

Pain crouches over my chest with its dong out.

The tree has a horrid character.

Ocean City

The night crab in his night hole is a king ghost.

Crashed surf spreads up like the lip of my drooling dog.

Be a fish sleeping upside down, pitched towards the void. 

Freshman Year Roommate

It was clear to me then that Sarah was a closeted lesbian,

though she identified as a comedian.

Academia

The lone professor eats a single serving of pumpkin pie.

An enormously particular person, and reasonably endowed.

Life, it turns out, can be very nice,

but only for those too stupid to experience

what’s so horrible about it.

Eileen Townsend is a writer and painter. She lives in New York's Hudson Valley and is currently an MFA Candidate in Painting at SUNY New Paltz.